An effort to be chill in an unchill world
The angry people
Today I found out my friend quit her job due to a manager and assitant manager issue. I call them the angry man and uptight lady (formerly known as the sad lady). They are collectively, ‘the angry people’.
The uptight lady knocked on my door. It was the 3rd or 4th knock and disruption to my morning. I saw who it was and although I didn’t want any more disruptions nor did I want to speak with her, I deemed it polite and brave to open the door. So I did. She informed me that she heard I was redecorating and wanted to request that I not redecorate because they were going to change offices and there would be construction happening in the entryway.
Well, it could take months for them to do that, I thought. Construction, I thought. I had to deal with months of construction after they reorganized last year and somehow they caused water damage to half the building. Just another ridiculous illogical idea coming from the angry man and uptight lady. I told her the train left the station, so no.
She kept talking.
In an attempt to reason with her, I said that it would increase curb appeal and that they were getting what they wanted: beautification.
Unfortunately, some don’t listen. I suspected they might have ulterior motives for trying to stop the entrance way project. I don’t know what that might be, but I find it disconcerting.
She said my idea was not consistent with company standards and informed me their office has some kind of pest problem because of the design.
Well, I don’t have these problems and I have the same design. Do they think I sit around in my office unable to function and be productive because of pests and design disfunction? It’s funny. She looks like she could be well-educated too.
I guess looks aren’t everything.
When she continued, I told her to take a leap (okay that’s not quite what I said, but you get the idea) and with an “okay, buh-bye” went inside my probelm-free office space and shut the door while she continued to ramble.
Although I had a feeling of pride for my bravery in standing my ground and cutting her nonsense off, I was still shaken. I don’t like confrontation. My heart was racing and I could feel my pulse in my neck and chest. I fiddled around in the kitchen. I tidied up some in the office. I tried to sit still, but would ruminate each time my butt hit the chair. I had a lot of reading and work to do, but I needed to get out of here. I texted a friend in the neighborhood and asked if a bike ride to Flores Mexican Restaurant would be desirable.
“Let’s do it,” he texted. “I’ll be right over.”
A week later, time for the new foyer to go in. Time to begin my beautification project (also known as the personal safety and privacy project to get away from these particular managers).
I ended up calling the CEO three times (3X!) starting at 8:06 AM (then again at 8:26 AM and 8:34 AM) because the angry man came out to block us from putting in the new foyer. He stood out there for about an hour and a half yelling while I did my best to stay out of sight or talk on the phone with the project manager and CEO as well as a co-worker who came over for support.
For the record, he said he was not yelling.
So, he was talking to himself for an hour and a half? Stranger things…
He said things like, “Go ahead, call the CEO. I’m within my purview. What are they going to do?” as he inched closer and closer to my office.
So what was the issue?
There was part of his secretary’s desk was in the way and needed to be moved about 18 inches.
He went back and forth between “throw the whole thing out” and “no, you can’t move it” and many more loud rantings that were equally as back and forth. Some rantings he seemed to be making up on the spot such as, “your office walls are empty! You are conservative!” followed strangely by, “my office is probably more conservative though”.
“Equality, Michelle,” he would say tauntingly. “You’re trying to move my secretary!”
Although I did my best not to engage, I tried to clarify that he had been using my secretary and office supplies (for years) after he tried to make some comparison that if I ever saw him using my secretary and office supplies, I’d come out screaming.
He didn’t know I had seen him through the window rearranging furniture and “borrowing” reams of paper. He probably did that while I wasn’t at my window as well. I didn’t go out, call the CEO, or come out “screaming”. I also have never wrote it up each time he encroached on my secretary despite the discomfort and distress we’ve all felt over several years. You can see the damage on the inventory list from his compulsion to use all the copy paper after his has all been used up because he’s not “tech savvy”. Also, I have had to listen to him work in his office daily because he is so loud.
It turns out clarifying that he does bother our secretary and use our supplies only escalated the situation as I guessed it would.
The third CEO call was placed after he clenched his fists by his sides and yelled at the top of his lungs like a hangry toddler, “I’m going to burn your office down and this whole sh*thole too!”
Then he proceeded to pace back and forth saying in a child-like way, “This is South Detroit. You can do whatever you want here.”
The construction crew took a drive to the store and maybe he felt he had won because he drove away. Maybe he drove away to cool off. I don’t know. When the CEO arrived, I explained the situation and before leaving he asked if I wanted to file a report. I answered yes.
This needs documentation.
The VP showed up shortly after also.
While the CEO was talking to the uptight lady, she asked that we beautify their office foyer also.
He said he was just passing along a message.
No, thank you.
While the CEO and his VP were there, we moved the secretary desk and put in the new foyer displays.
“Do you have cameras?” the CEO asked.
Needless to say, that evening I put up some cameras.
The Anger Professor
This is when I sought out information on mental illness and the psychology of anger. I tried to cross-reference “anger” with “lying”, “making up things”, “gaslighting”, but that was less fruitful.
I mean, what is it that makes people invent stories and/or exaggerate and/or go on loquacious, illogical tangents when they decide they don’t like someone? Sometimes even about people they don’t even know. I find this interesting. In my case, I know exactly why I don’t like ‘the angry people’: when their new desk cracked my office window and I knocked on their door and showed the man a photo of it, he replied:
“You have blue hair and I got you on camera putting dog poop on my desk and you follow me in your combat boots while I walk making sure I don’t take other people’s copy paper and your secretary is a man who wears pink and I have tons of money. You wanna sue me? Huh?! You wanna sue me?! Go ahead!”
Soon, they both yelled like this in unison so the whole building could hear.
I feel like this is a solid reason to not like this person. By the way, I raised my hands and walked away. I’m not sure how much longer he went on yelling. It wasn’t me who put poop on the desk nor have I ever followed anyone around and I don’t have combat boots. Also, my insurance paid for my new window. The only reason I went over was because it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t know what to do. Now I know.
Anyway, after a bit of searching, I found a website called All the Rage: Anger Management Help from the AngerProfessor.
I found this Tedx on YouTube helpful in an entertaining way, but I realize the issues go far deeper and can be much more serious than this gateway to understanding the psychology of anger.
Dr. Ryan Martin explains what happens with those who have chronic anger. People, in general, will go through a number of stages as they process or interpret situations where, for whatever reason, goals are blocked. There will be a primary appraisal (i.e. this car in front of me is driving really slowly, that’s bad and blameworthy), and a secondary appraisal (i.e. but that’s okay I guess because I’m not in a hurry today).
But the thing that happens wth chronic anger is called catastrophizing. If the secondary appraisal also is interpreted as also bad, people have to rely on their coping mechanisms. For those with chronic anger, the following may happen:
overgeneralizing (i.e. you always do this)
demandingness (i.e. putting their own needs in front of others)
infammatory labeling (i.e. they’re a monster!)
and misattributing causation (i.e. it’s because of this blue couch I’m late)
If it is chronic anger, this kind of cognitive distortion as well as irrational belief system is present.
Resilience coach, Lauren Nanson, says you have to ask yourself, “What’s the difference between truth and trigger?”
It’s true that these days we are all armed with many psychological buzzwords (i.e. the office is so “toxic”, my boss is such a “narcissist”). In a way I see this as part of our societal journey to understanding mental health albeit in a somewhat sensationalized fashion. On occasion the result of which has been “over protection against anything that causes negative feelings” (Nanson, 2023).
In Nanson’s Tedx, she references a book called The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas are Setting Up a Generation for Failurewhere they document that “avoiding triggers is a symptom of PTSD”.
She goes on to say that the more we avoid the people and settings that upset us, the more power they have over us.
But here’s my question, and I’m sure the question many of us have:
If you can’t converse and you can’t avoid, how do you solve the problem?
The answer to, “What is up with the angry people who are lying?” is they are gaslighting. Gaslighting is another popular psychological buzzword. I admit to having some idea about what it is. I know it is a tool of manipulation and a form of emotional abuse. But I’ve never heard it defined as “when someone doubts the reality of another person” (Ramani, 2020).
Even though knowing that when I was confronted by a gaslighter I did the right thing by not engaging, I still want to know how I can be O-K. The psychological damage that occurs when someone doubts your reality lingers. Dr. Ramani says in the MedCircle conversation below that “if you have to reign them in more than twice, that conversation is done”.
So — Do they know they’re gaslighting?
Dr. Ramani says, “Narcissists have no empathy so they don’t stop to think what this kind of conduct would do to the other person. They’re entitled, so they feel they have the right to do it, and they’re fragile so they don’t want to be found out (for a failure, mistake, lying, or wrongdoing).”
So then, what to do?
To me, this boils down to the idea that there are things I can control and things I cannot control. I can control myself when I’m in a situation with a gaslighter by not engaging. I can improve my adaptation and resiliency skills when the icky feelings linger. I can stay connected with healthy relationships. I can get exercise. I can give every day meaning. I can remain hopeful. I can search for solutions.
Here are some tips from the Mayo Clinic:
Tips to improve your resilience
If you’d like to become more resilient, try some of these tips:
Get connected. Building strong, healthy relationships with loved ones and friends can give you needed support and help guide you in good and bad times. Connect with others by volunteering or joining a faith or spiritual group.
Make every day have meaning. Do something that gives you a sense of success and purpose every day. Set clear goals that you can reach to help you look toward the future with meaning.
Learn from the past. Think of how you’ve coped with troubles in the past. Think about what has helped you through tough times. You can even write about past events in a journal to help you see the patterns of how you behave and to help guide you in the future.
Stay hopeful. You can’t change the past, but you can always look toward the future. Being open to change makes it easier to adapt and view new challenges with less worry.
Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings. Do activities and hobbies you enjoy. Include physical activity in your daily routine. Get plenty of sleep and make bedtime rituals. Eat a healthy diet. Practice how to manage stress. Try ways to relax, such as yoga, meditation, guided imagery, deep breathing or prayer.
Take action. Don’t ignore your problems. Instead, figure out what you need to do, make a plan and take action. It can take time to recover from a major setback, trauma or loss. But know that your life can improve if you work at it.
When to seek professional advice
Getting more resilient takes time and practice. If you don’t feel you’re making progress or you don’t know where to start, talk with a mental health professional. With guidance, you can improve your resiliency and mental well-being.
Note : some parts of the story were changed to protect the privacy of others.
